Baby Boy...

Chubbs after eating Prunes

Today I cried at work. 

I swiftly went to the bathroom so I could collect myself. Luckily I was the only one in there so I let out some sobs and then just gave myself some time to settle down. 

I read blogs out of boredom and curiosity mostly. 

And lately I have been thinking about death. I know it sounds morbid, but it is inevitable. Munchkin and I were talking about it, mostly in terms of the Resurrection, but I kept thinking about it long after I kissed him goodbye at preschool. 

I know I'm going to die and that my children will too. But I truly hope that I don't have to see them die and that I am a ripe old woman when I go. I read a blog post a while ago (and have searched everywhere trying to find it again) about a woman who would take pictures of herself with her children once a month. She didn't care how she looked or what she was wearing. She made the point that when she looked back at pictures herself and her mother, she didn't care what she was wearing, or how her hair looked, just that she had a picture of them together. She had a tangible object that held memories and emotions of her and her mother. 

I want to be able to do that for my children. I told Hubster that I wanted him to take more pictures of me with my boys, and I try to do the same for him. I want my kids to see the love we have for them and sometimes a photograph can do that. 

My tears came after reading about this woman.

Natalie Norton. 

I have not the slightest clue who she is, except that she is an amazing woman and excellent photographer. I found her blog today through a friend on facebook today and immediately was taken in through her trial of losing her son.

I literally wept as I read the tragedy of his short, three month life and couldn't help but think of my Chubbs. What if I lost him now? What if when I said goodbye for the day, it turned into a goodbye for our lives. What if that was him?  The moisture keeps creeping in my eyes as I write. 
That could have happened to me. It still could. I could lose my children. How could I move on after that? What meaning would my life lose? Or guiltily gain? 

I read her blog, but not of all of it because it made me cry and I wasn't strong enough to get through it all. I felt her words so deep, and her pictures made my heart ache for such a loss. 

I admire her honesty, and her faith and her work.

So Natalie Norton, stranger who touched my heart, I thank you for your story. For your vulnerability and honesty. 

You will be in my prayers tonight. You and Baby Gavin. 



Cried again after this.