Today Hubster got up, changed Chubbs, made his bottle (yes, he is so great) and then I fed him while he got ready for work.
After I feed him, he normally lays there for a while and we look at each other. I wonder what those big eyes are seeing. What is going on inside that cute little noggin' of his? I look at him and wonder if I could possibly love him anymore. Those tiny eyelashes, soft skin and tiny features make me yearn for time to slow down.
Then he falls asleep while we are cuddling and I breath him in. He is so perfect. Straight from heaven. A gift I do not deserve. Then fear and my lack of faith sets in. What if I lose him? What if this is the last time I will kiss those plump cheeks of his? There is no way I could be this lucky to have him for years on end. I am not that fortunate, nor that deserving.
I cry. Pleading with my Father in Heaven to let me have this perfect gift, this little bit of light in my life for a long time. I don't want to be a sad story. I don't want to be the one they flash on the news of some tragedy that happened to some girl in some place and you are grateful it didn't happen to you.
Then I lay him down next to me in bed so I can watch him. There is something utterly fascinating about watching your child sleep. Even slightly magical. I look at my child and think 'he is perfect'.
I lay there knowing I have to get up, get ready and go to work again. I have to say goodbye to this perfect little life. I hear my alarm beeping at me, warning me I'm going to be late if I don't hurry. I despise that sound and those little beeps telling me I have to leave.
Those moments are special. The moments when everything is quiet and I can hear those tiny inhales and exhales from my baby. Then if I am lucky, he wakes up and looks at me. As soon as our eyes meet smiles grace our faces. Our bond is solidified all over again. These moments are some of what make being a mother the most amazing experience in the world.